


Fine

by ViciousVentriloquist



Category: D. Gray-man
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Emotional Constipation, Emotions, F/M, Heavy Angst, Loss of Virginity, Memories, Mentions of Alma Karma Arc, Minor Spoilers, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 00:38:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3309176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViciousVentriloquist/pseuds/ViciousVentriloquist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Kanda waits for death in Skinn Bolic's room, he runs through his most important memories of her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fine

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a one-shot that I decided to write for Kanda/Lenalee. I ship Lenalee with Kanda, Lavi, or Allen (and all four of them together, or any other combination). So, I may post stories related to those in the future.  
> In the meantime, bear with me. This is based off of the anime, so any references to Alma are hearsay as I have not gotten that far in the manga yet. And, for the sake of this fic, let's pretend that Kanda actually died in Skinn's room.  
> Thank you, and please comment if you like.

As Kanda kneels in the snow, shirtless and leaning on Mugen’s broken hilt, he realizes that he is going to die.

And yet, he can’t help but feel a sense of relief; the others had managed to get out of that damned Noah’s room in time. They had gone to confront whatever hell lay ahead while Kanda had stayed behind to face the deranged Skin Bolic.

Well, the swordsman had succeeded—but at the cost of his precious katana. The hilt of the shattered sword is all that he has to keep him company at the end of his second life. He is fine with that, though. As long as the others make it out alive, his job is done… A sudden image flashes in his mind, drowning out the dull roar of the white downpour around him. An image of the beansprout, the stupid rabbit, and a certain green-haired exorcist.

“They’re going to be pissed at me.”

_Damn that beansprout! If an afterlife exists, I’ll make sure to haunt him…and maybe the rabbit, too._

Yet somewhere in the fading consciousness of Kanda’s mind, he knows his anger is all for naught. It is merely a small comfort in the face of uncertainty. What he really wants in this moment…is to not be alone. So he thinks about the one person who made him feel at home at the Order— the one person who, even if she can’t completely understand his bizarre existence, cares about him nonetheless. He pays no mind to the frigid air whipping at his exposed body, or to the crystalline ice melting on his bare skin.

He thinks about Lenalee.

* * *

 

Dark hair splayed unceremoniously on the pillow, tendrils of green forming small tributaries on the fabric. A face, pale and porcelain like a doll’s, only no doll should ever look so defeated.

The loveliness of the girl was only offset by the sheer misery that permeated her eyes, the purple irises as empty and dead as any that Kanda had ever seen. It reminded him of himself—only he was not bound and strapped to a bed.

He watched her every day. Whether she sensed his presence or not, he couldn’t be sure. He even listened outside the door when Leverrier and his lackeys went in to muse over her mental state. _She shall be a powerful exorcist_ , they said. _Yes, she will_ , Kanda thought coldly, forehead pressed against the door. _But she will not be a person. Not when she has been treated like an animal for so long_.

And then, one day, a man came to see her. He was skinny and pale, obviously distraught, with hair past his shoulders and glasses framing his narrow face. Kanda heard her voice for the first time that day, from outside the door.

“Nii-san?” Her voice was faint, and scratchy from underuse, but it was there. She was alive.

It was then that Kanda learned what the girl had been missing all this time. It was something so fundamental to her very existence that without it, both she and her world had become empty, bleak and hopeless—devoid of all purpose or reason to live.

Love. Family. He had not understood what those things meant at the time. He likes to think that he learned his lesson back then, but that is probably wishful thinking. It took him years to finally understand what “caring” was again, after everything that had happened to him and Alma.

But, in the end, she taught him that as well.

* * *

 

It was on one of their missions. They had been attacked by a swarm of Akuma in central Thailand while attempting to collect a piece of Innocence. During the fight, Kanda had been slashed by the blade-like claws of a Level 2. He had lost a lot of blood. As he lingered between the waking world and unconsciousness, he did not know what had happened; he was lost in a fog, his body as heavy as lead.

“Kanda? Kanda! You’d better be all right! Stay with me!” Her voice was loud and insistent, prodding him in earnest through the fog even though all he wanted to do at this moment was sleep…

“Kanda! Wake up!” A resounding _slap_ jerked him back from unconsciousness, the painful sting in his face causing his eyes to snap open in shock.

“What the—? Lenalee!” He groaned, the sudden surge of agony in his side distracting him from the figure that leaned over him. Lenalee’s expression was frantic, her violet eyes wide with fear and pain.

“The Akuma are all destroyed, and the Innocence is safe. I’ve called back to headquarters for help. Just stay awake, Kanda. Just hang on…” Her voice was soothing, and Kanda only barely registered that her forehead was coursing crimson blood; the thick liquid trailed down her face and neck, making her look like some sort of tragic angel. Maybe she was. With this thought, his eyes fell closed once again, and he was dead to the world.

Later on, he woke up in the hospital wing, his eyes immediately assaulted by bright lights.

_What the fuck?_

His side was no longer throbbing, but his head felt as though it was being pounded by a mallet.

“Oh, good, you’re awake. You have been out for two days,” the Nurse said concernedly, looming over him with a cool hand on his forehead. Kanda resisted the urge to slap it away. “It looks like the wound in your side is all healed up…” _Of course it is_. “…Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for Miss Lee. She will have to stay here for a few more days.”

_What?_

Out of nowhere the image of Lenalee, bloody and angelic, surfaced in Kanda’s mind. He sat bolt upright in bed, a wave of vertigo slamming over him. He groaned. “What happened to her?” _Why do I care?_

“She received a nasty blow to the head, and a subsequent wound. She’s sleeping right now.”

Kanda’s eyes wandered to the bed next to his. In it was the green-haired girl, sleeping peacefully in spite of the circumstances. There were bandages tied around her head, and a serene expression on her soft face. Kanda, impatient as ever, threw off his covers and stood up despite the protests of both the Nurse and his head. He stood by Lenalee’s cot, looking down at her prone form. He remembered how she had reassured him, even when she was hurt badly as well.

_Why did she do that? Is she stupid enough to care for me more than herself, even when I became a burden?_

Oddly enough, that idea didn’t repel Kanda as much as he expected it to. In fact, it made him feel somewhat…warm.

“Kanda?” a feminine voice asked him. Lenalee’s eyes had opened, and were now staring up at the samurai with surprise. Who would’ve expected the angry and antisocial Kanda to be waiting for her to wake up? “You’re okay?” the Chinese girl asked, her small voice soaked with palpable relief.

“Tch. Of course I am. What kind of stupid question is that?”

Tears gathered at the corners of her eyes, her minute smile projecting a quandary of contradictory emotions. “Thank God for that.”

 _No_ , he wanted to correct her. _Thank you_. But he didn’t say any of that.

Not yet, anyway.

* * *

 

Kanda thinks he cares too much. As strange as it might sound, he has spent much of his second life trying to distance himself from others. He realizes now that he failed miserably. Because as much as he accepts the prospect of death, and always has (it comes with being an exorcist), he also knows that he doesn’t want to.

He doesn’t want to leave her.

So, as the room crumbles into oblivion and his body temperature slowly drops, he allows himself to revel in his warmest memory of her.

One last time.

* * *

 

It was completely silent in the halls of the Black Order. Not coincidentally, it was also Kanda’s favorite time of day.

He was just sheathing his precious Mugen after getting back from training when he heard it: A barely perceptible knock on his door.

_A visitor, at this time of night? Tch. How annoying. It’d better not be that idiot Komui or I swear I’ll chop off his—_

Kanda’s rage immediately dissolved when he opened the door. It was not Komui, but the fool’s sister who stood at his door; Lenalee was standing there in a silk nightgown, hair in disarray down to her waist and looking almost comically nervous.

“Lenalee?” he said questioningly, his voice coming out much harsher than he had intended. He tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to unfurrow his brows.

“Um, sorry to bother you, Kanda. I just…can I come in?”

Kanda sighed, but stepped aside and opened the door wider. Lenalee entered tentatively, as if she were afraid he would change his mind. She stood in the center of his room, back turned to him and eyes on the blank wall.

“…Well, what is it?” Kanda’s deep voice cut the silence.

“Huh?”

“I assume you had a reason for coming to see me when I’m supposed to be sleeping?”

Lenalee’s jaw clenched. _Was that too harsh? Oh, fuck it._ He was tired; she would have to deal with his attitude. It had never been a problem before.

“I’ve…been thinking about our last mission.” Violet irises met his own, pained concern marring her features. “Kanda, you were stabbed in the side. Fairly deeply, too. I thought you were going to bleed out…” She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. “Yet you healed completely within two days. Even with Nurse’s advanced medical care, that’s not humanly possible.”

Kanda refused to meet her gaze, forcing his face into what he hoped was a hostile grimace. “So what? It’s possible that the Innocence—”

“Dammit, stop _lying_ to me, Kanda!”

He froze in shock. Kind, gentle, Lenalee Lee was _cursing_ at him.

“What the hell’s going on with you? I heard you talking with Nii-san yesterday, about how you shouldn’t misjudge how much time you have left. About how you’ve started to heal slower…” The samurai blanched. “Please tell me, Kanda.” She reached out to him, wrapping her thin arms around his chest and pressing her body close to his. He could feel her heart beat frantically in her chest. Or was it his own?

_Why aren’t I pushing her away? Why am I leaning my head down towards hers, and whispering into her ear?_

“I’m…I’m not what I appear to be, Lenalee. Do you know…what a Second Exorcist is?”

* * *

 

He told her everything. Everything that had happened since he woke up in this body; how he was nothing but a twisted experiment, an artificial being with a mind stolen back from the grave; and about Alma, the person he loved before they both became pawns in the sick endeavors of the organization they had fought and died for.

At the end of it all, Lenalee wore nothing but an expression of abject horror and sadness, tears weaving their way down her face. He had expected nothing less.

“I don’t need your pity,” he growled, turning away from her sorrow.

He felt a feather-light touch on his arm. Lenalee’s voice, quiet but firm, caused him to look back at her in curiosity. She smiled, salty tears still sparkling on her cheeks. “I don’t pity you, Kanda. I am distraught, because you have been suffering alone all this time. Your life was toyed with, by those who had no right to do so. And it makes me wonder…why are you still here? Why are you fighting for them?”

 _Because that’s all I know how to do_. That would have been the truthful thing to say. But Kanda didn’t.

Because as soon as those words left her mouth, the swordsman grabbed her face, pressing his lips to hers harshly. As soon as he did it, it was over, and a surprised (and none too flustered) Lenalee was left gasping, her eyes wide as saucers. She touched her lips softly, as if she couldn’t believe what he had just done.

“Sorry,” he muttered quickly, his face burning. “You should leave now. It’s late.” Yet he could feel her still staring at him, although he avoided meeting her eyes.

“Why did you kiss me?”

He gaped, his self-control waning rapidly. “I don’t know.”

Out of nowhere, he felt soft hands grabbing at his face, and even softer lips colliding with his. Whereas his kiss had been hard and insistent, Lenalee’s was gentle and probing, her velvet lips moving wistfully over his. Heat pooled in his stomach as her mouth began to trail along his jaw, the delicate butterfly kisses she planted causing his skin to tingle on contact. He exhaled heavily as her warm breath blew across his neck…

“Lenalee,” he said, his voice barely a whisper. _Shouldn’t I be stopping her?_

“Yes?” She looked up at him, her eyes half-lidded as she stared at him with a tender but nervous gaze. “Don’t you…don’t you like this?” He gulped. Of course he did. What straight man wouldn’t be attracted to Lenalee?

“I think you should leave.” Why was he suddenly feeling apprehensive?

Lenalee frowned. “Oh…um, I’m sorry. I just wanted to know what it felt like to kiss you myself. I’ve wanted to for a while now…” Seeming to think it better to stop talking now, she trailed off and unwrapped her arms from around his neck. She looked sheepish. “I’m sorry. I’ll leave if you want.”

As she was turning to leave, Kanda suddenly felt something lurch in his chest. Before he realized what he was doing, he had grabbed Lenalee’s arm and pulled her back to him, their lips crashing together unceremoniously.

Kanda’s mouth moved feverishly over hers, his body suddenly feeling as though it were on fire. _What am I doing?_ he thought, even as his hands slid up Lenalee’s sides, his palms caressing the Chinese silk that covered her ribs. Her hands came to rest at the nape of his neck, and her fingertips began playing absentmindedly with the locks of hair that fell free from their restraints.

It felt amazing.

In response, Kanda pushed his tongue against her mouth, imploring her to open to him. When she did, Kanda slid his tongue into her mouth, immediately beginning to entwine it with Lenalee’s in a kiss he hoped to God wasn’t too sloppy. He rolled his tongue, causing the green-haired exorcist to let out a small gasp that sent a pleasant jolt straight to his groin.

With a satisfied smirk, Kanda moved one of his palms up toward Lenalee’s breast. He hesitated, uncertain if doing so would cause him to be violently kicked across the room. As it turned out, he didn’t have to worry; Lenalee took his wrist, slowly guiding it upwards until his palm rested fully on her mound. She let out a surprised sound as he gave it a gentle squeeze. She was so soft…

“Is this okay?” he murmured against her lips, her breath warming his face.

“Yes,” she purred seductively, bringing her hand up to his ponytail. She pulled his hair free, allowing his long locks to cascade around the both of them.

Blue and green tendrils danced together, seeming to blend together as the pair moved in sync.

In his fit of passion, Kanda barely registered the fact that Lenalee was forcing him backward—at least until the back of his knees hit the bed, sending them both sprawling over the covers. Lenalee landed perfectly on top of him. From this position, Kanda could feel her soft curves all over his body; the minute pressure on his nether regions increased tenfold, and he could feel himself starting to get hard.

_If I don’t stop this now, I might do something I regret…_

But as soon as the beautiful girl on top of him began allowing her hands to roam under his exorcist coat, all qualms he had seemed to evaporate. He discarded his coat and undershirt, leaving his chest bare and heaving with his rapid breaths. He watched as Lenalee examined his bare torso anxiously, her face flushed and pupils dilated. He knew she was staring at his tattoo as well—though at this moment, Kanda really couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Having second thoughts?” he asked after a few moments, causing Lenalee to jump slightly.

“No, it’s just that…you’re beautiful.”

“Tch.” Kanda smirked. “Only you can get away with saying that to me.”

And in one swift motion, Lenalee was underneath his firm body, her bare legs resting on either side of him. She stared up at him with wide eyes as he began kissing his way down her neck, savoring the taste of her porcelain skin. Moving one of the sleeves of her gown off her shoulder, he suckled on the skin of her collarbone, eagerly absorbing the soft pants she elicited. He dimly registered her hands moving to the hem of her gown, dragging it up her body. He stopped her, his gray eyes meeting her confused ones. “Let me.”

With a flourish, Kanda slid Lenalee’s garment off of her, pulling it over her head and discarding it on the floor.

Holy hell.

Kanda simply allowed himself to stare at her perfect form, covered by nothing but a pair of cotton underwear. She seemed to hesitate, resisting the urge to cover herself. Enraptured by her twin mounds of flesh, the samurai leaned down and took a nipple into his mouth.

Lenalee responded immediately, her back arching as a loud moan escaped her throat.

“ _Kanda._ ”

The sound of his name being spoken in such a way was startling, but pleased him greatly. _He_ was in control now, and he liked it.

He suckled and nibbled on her flesh, giving Lenalee’s chest his undivided attention. Without even realizing what he was doing, Kanda’s hand began to travel south, over the creamy skin of her stomach and down into her panties. His fingers brushed over a small patch of hair, seeking out the place where he figured she would be most sensitive. As his pointer finger slid over a warm, wet nub that he found between her two folds, it seemed he had succeeded.

The Chinese exorcist’s hips bucked against his hand, poorly restrained noises finding their way out of her throat. He continued to make small, circular motions with his finger, picking up speed as Lenalee’s body began to thrash more violently. Kanda was painfully hard now, his desire only made more intense by the expressions of sheer rapture on her face. And then, finally, with one last cry of his name, Lenalee’s entire body stiffened and shuddered, her folds moist with copious amounts of fluid. Her expression was one of pure bliss, and her face was as red as a tomato—but apparently she wasn’t done.

The green-haired beauty grabbed Kanda’s arms, pulling him back on top of her and discarding her panties quickly.

“Lenalee?” He nearly groaned as her core was thrust against the bulge in his pants, her legs wrapping themselves tightly around his waist.

“I want you, Kanda. Right now.” She placed her hands on his cheeks, her kind eyes seeming to bore right into his soul. “Please.”

He couldn’t say no to her.

Within a few seconds (and a good deal of unpleasant friction) Kanda had managed to discard his pants and underwear. For a short while, the couple laid there, naked and content to be entangled with one another as Kanda positioned himself at her entrance.

“Are you ready?”

She nodded, a small smile on her flushed face.

Slowly, so as not to hurt her, Kanda began to ease his length into her entrance. Discomfort colored Lenalee’s face, causing the samurai to stop momentarily before pushing himself in all the way. Lenalee sighed, fidgeting under him.

And as for Kanda—well, at that point in time he didn’t believe himself capable of producing coherent speech, let alone any words of comfort. He was lost to the tight heat surrounding him, resisting an animalistic urge to _move_ , right now!

His voice came out as a strangled groan. “Are you…okay?”

Lenalee nodded, a small grimace hidden beneath a smiling mask. “Yes. You can…move now.”

So he did.

In and out, in and out. In a steady rhythm Kanda made love— _Is that what I’m doing?_ —to Lenalee Lee, each fluid thrust causing more intense waves of pleasure to circulate throughout his body. And, eventually, Lenalee’s strained groans gave way to moans of pleasure, her silken voice further entrancing the Japanese man as he moved. He could feel his climax fast approaching.

She was so beautiful.

“ _Kanda_ ,” she breathed airily, making eye contact. Gray met violet, and a cord seemed to snap inside Kanda as he began to roll his hips at a fevered pace. He stared into her eyes as he came, moaning her name once. Waves of euphoria flowed all over his body, melting his icy demeanor.

And he is swept away by perfection.

* * *

 

_Lenalee._

To Kanda, she is perfect.

_Lenalee._

He has never met anyone who cared for others so much, who willingly offered her life to a cause none of them had signed up for.

_Lenalee._

And he has never been so lonely as he is right now, waiting for death in the Ark. Yet, he has also never been happier—because he knows that everything he has done up to this point has made a difference.

He mattered to someone. He was able to find a reason to keep fighting, even when the odds were stacked against him. And he would die to keep that reason alive.

Still…he wishes that he had told her he loved her when he had the chance—that he hadn’t been too much of a coward. He wishes that he could be there for her when she realizes he isn’t coming back. He wishes that he _were_ coming back.

But, as he knows, one’s own deathbed is no place for regrets.

So, as Kanda kneels in the snow, he realizes that she is going to be fine. She will suffer, she will cry—she may even curse God.

But she will be fine. She will keep moving, because she has to.

She said so herself.

This is what Kanda thinks about as he dies.

He pays no mind to the ungodly roar of the cracking earth as it falls away from the rest of the Ark, or to the sensation of being suddenly weightless, plunging downwards from an infinite height.

As he fades away into darkness, he muses absently that, if this is death, it’s really not so bad.

It’s not so bad at all.

And for the first time in a long while, Kanda smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> This wasn't supposed to be a feel-good story. Did I succeed?


End file.
